I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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