Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
