the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
