College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize