Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
