hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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