not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
