It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
