I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
