if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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