I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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