How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize