the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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