ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize