Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
