thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
