i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
