OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize