Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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