if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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