she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
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