I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
