be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
