Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
It's official drugs can't kill me
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Randomize
