The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
