Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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