well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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