Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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