the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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