Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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