When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
