my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
