My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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