R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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