I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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