We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
