it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
