so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
