I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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