i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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