I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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