I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
