Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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