As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize