I don't usually arrange sex via text message
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
