from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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