Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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