our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
