I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
