which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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