Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
