Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
