thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
