i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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