The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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