I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
