I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize